Sugar and Spice....

2006-01-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

I wish

I wish I didn't feel so guilty for starting this site. For talking about something so precious, so full of love as my relationship. I am so lucky, so blessed to have a man that loves me so completely....I feel almost as if I am betraying a part of us by keeping it secret....That's the sugar side. The spice side wants to tell you about the amazing sex and how far we continue to grow..

I wonder which side will win?

2005-12-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

I Deserve A Spanking

Yes, it's been 3 months since my last post. I have to beg forgiveness again as my life has taken an unexpected turn. My job currently lays in the balance and all of my efforts over the past few months have gone towards saving it.

Matthew and I have been doing fabulously well, with the exception of the past few days. Things have been strained and communication is way off. I'm sure we'll work our way out of it, I'm not worried about that.

I hope to get back to this blogging thing soon. Until then my best to everyone!

2005-09-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

My Apologies...

How terrible of me to start a story and then leave it hanging....not that I have a huge audience but I think it was rude. I have been unbelieveable busy with work lately and just haven't had time to post. I think posting our story was a bigger task than I had first imagined. I am also such a stickler for details and was concerned I'd get something wrong....but that's not really a problem as long as the story is told.
I'll get to it, I promise. Just give me some time.

2005-08-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

Not long after I arrived at the party I decided to step out on the front porch and have a cigarette (I've since quit). The front porch was rather isolated from the rest of the house.
That was a difficult period for me, newlywed, just had a baby, my husband out cheating and dealing drugs...My husband at the time was both physically and emotionally abusive and constantly told me how ugly and unloveable I was. Looking back I realize it was his own insecurities and guilt that made him so terrible to me. I was lost in my own thoughts when suddenly Matthew appeared on the patio. How long he had been standing there I have no idea. I smiled and he smiled back.
"Why haven't we met before?" he asked earnestly.
Caught off guard by his beauty and his question I simply smiled and stammered an answer, "I've been around...."
Our eyes locked and without saying a word we let each other know how attracted we were. He said, "I'm going to kiss you" and before I could say or do anything he leaned in and kissed me.
It was the sweetest, shortest, most electrified kiss I had ever received in my almost 22 years. My knees locked as my legs swayed, his lips were full, soft, and kissable. Just as I became lost in the kiss reality hit me, I am a married woman and I pulled away.
I looked at him as sternly as I could and said "You better not ever do THAT again!"
He smiled and said, "it was good wasn't it?"
I half smiled back, feigning anger, "that's besides the point! I'm married and you are dating a friend of mine! It's wrong on so many levels." I put my cigarette out and walked back in to enjoy the party. It wasn't easy, the heat and passion of our kiss together made me unaturally horny and guilty all at the same time. It also made me think of everything James had bene doing and how he could do it without suffering from so much guilt.
I spent the rest of the party drinking, mingling and having a hell of a time trying not to look at Matthew. There were hallway meetings where he would keep his lips off me but his hands would travel to my waist as we passed in the crowded hallway or kitchen area. I was going to try and pretend that I hated it but in reality I loved the attention since I wasn't getting any at home and he was gorgeous.
I started watching the way he and Jane interacted and it wasn't very boyfriend/girlfriend-ish. Then I felt even guiltier for trying to analize them. My best friend in the wold Jennifer, from High School was there too, in fact she had been the one to introduce me to Jane. She and I proceeded to get very drunk and very flirty with everyone.
The night wound down and as we sobered up and said our goodbyes. Matthew and I caught one last lingering glance before I was out the door at 3 am. It had been a fun night full of flirtations, laughter, sexual innuendos that I am infamous for, and I went home happy.
James didn't come home that night, but that wasn't too unusual. The next day everyone was going down to the beach, so the men could play basketball and we would, well, watch them. I picked up my infant son and all the other crap I needed and headed down to the beach.

2005-08-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

I hurt my back the other night riding my husband. I told people at work it was from the gym and they seem to believe me, especially given how often I visit the gym these days. It's strange that since my body has become stronger, leaner our sex has become more .....acrobatic for lack of a better word. Of course it's always been good, never a doubt there, but it is hitting a new intensity level.
Could be that we are fast approaching the 1 year anniversary, of course we've been togtehr much longer than that. I've never told our story have I? It's a good one, full of hope and love and a little bit of drama...all ingredients for a good story. I've always wanted to tell it, but have been afraid that my memory isn't as sharp as it once was...then again it will only continue to dull so perhaps writing the story out here isn't such a terrible idea.

I first met Matthew at an apartment he shared with Jane at a party they threw New Years Eve in 1990. Our first meeting was electric, filled with hidden glances, shy smiles and a stolen kiss.
I had just given birth to my son 3 months prior and was married to James. Our marriage was a joke, the joke being on me since he hadn't been faithful since the day we met. I didn't realize it then, love can indeed be blind. We never went anywhere together and this special night was no exception. While he was out dealing and doing drugs, as well as whomever he was "seeing" on the side, I decided to get a sitter and get my ass to Jane's party. If James would have been there things may have been different.
I walked in the door to find just a few people had arrived before me. I glanced in the family room to see some familiar faces and one unknown. I immediately thought, oh that must be Jane's boyfriend, and as that thought rattled around in my brain he stopped whatever he was doing and just stared at me. Our eyes locked a bit longer than they should have. I regained my composure and broke the stare and as I did so I heard him lean in to his friend and ask who I was. I said a quick hello, dropped whatever food and drink I had brought in the kitchen and then made my way into the family room.
There were close to 11 people there already and everyone settled in with a drink in hand and started partying. Matthew and I kept stealing glances and....

2005-08-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Excellent weekend, once again. Filled with nothing spectacular but all kinds of lovey goodness. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Matthew had a lunch date with some of his guy friends on Friday, something he rarely does, but when he does he always comes back to me more appreciating than usual. I think he sees what they go through in single life and in unhappy marriages and it enforces our bond.
He told me a story about a good looking woman that walked by and how they all noticed her. One of Matthew's friends asked him if he would try to "get that". Matthew smiled and said, "no way man, I'm good at home, my wife gives me everything I need and more." (I smiled at this, not knowing how much was embellishment for my benefit but not really caring either). To that his friends smiled and gave him a hard time.
I smiled lovingly at him and said, "sure my girls and I check guys out when they walk by but if I ever said something about doing anything about it my girls would go into shock and could quite possibly kick my ass".
Matthew laughed at that and said "it's a good thing we're so damned happy isn't it?"
I stopped for a second and said, "I know we both just said that we check out the opposite sex (or for me both sexes) when with our friends..." I trailed off and paused for dramatic effect..
"Yes?" he answered.
"But I've decided that's only ok for me" I smiled smugly in an attempt to keep from laughing.
Matthew started laughing so hard he made me burst out into fits of giggles. "Ok honey" he said as he patted my head, "ok".

2005-08-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Naughty

It was hot, very fucking hot this weekend. Matthew and I had Sunday to ourselves by some freak of chance, both kids were occupied elsewhere. Rare indeed. We took advantage Saturday night, even though we returned home late from a bar-b-que somehow we managed to dig deep and get that second wind. I started by giving him a helluva blowjob and for once he let me finish....
I realized as we both lay there our breathing returning to a normal pace that we were both exhausted and maybe I shouldn't expect anything in return. I actually curled up and started dozing off before I was awakened by a gentle nudge...
"Did you think you were finished?" He asked sexily.
I smiled as I opened one eye and looked at him, "I wasn't sure." I replied in almost a purr of a voice.
He rolled me over onto my back and proceeded to give me fantastic oral pleasure. My body was going into spazisms, my legs quaking, I lost all sense of who and where I was and actually started crawling back on the bed...
When he finished he climbed on top of me, my body spent, a writhing mess on the bed, his dick was hard and he entered me easily. The new sensation of his hardness pulsating inside me sent me into orgasms almost immediately. It was a strange feeling, normally my hips are bucking up to meet his, taking all of him in. This time my body just lay there, accepting his dick, too weak to buck back, but the orgasm was just as intense.
I asked him to get behind me and fuck me hard, which he did willingly. It was hard, and good and at that angle I did have the opportunity to buck up against him. He came so hard he almost laughed before he started, something he never does....he said it was so intense it caught him off-guard.
We fell to the bed, sex funky and passed out.
Sleeping in until 8:00 am was heaven and of course we started the whole process over in the morning, and again around noon. Then we were hungry so we headed out to our favorite mexican restaurant for some food and cadillac margaritas. For some reason the restuarant was unbelievably hot and we both started sweating profusely. Jokingly he grabbed an ice cube and tossed it at me; it fell down in between my breasts and we laughed as he tried again. He missed and I grabbed the ice cube and started rubbing it all over my chest and arms, which he found incredibly hot. He watched then as I rubbed it, discreetly, over my belly and dropped it under the waste band of my skirt.
I looked at him and cocked my eyebrow "want to see more?" I asked as seductively as possible.
He nodded, almost as if he was unable to speak. I grabbed an ice cube and made sure he knew exactly where I was sticking it. The sensation of the freezing ice in my very hot and sore pussy was fantastic. It made me gasp and I almost had a hard time catching my breath. I started squirming a bit in my seat and suddenly it was as if a rush or quick orgasm gripped my pussy. I lost almost all self control, my eyes rolled back in my head, and I must have resembled Sally's faked orgasm as I grabbed the side of the table.
It was over as quickly as it started. I looked at Matthew across the table, when I was able to focus and he had a look of amazement on his face. He grabbed my foot under the table and put it between his legs so I could feel how hard he was. He smiled wickedly and told me what a naughty girl I was....we ate quickly and left before we caused any more scenes.
We had to stop and run an errand at a local store and the whole time he was grabbing my ass, stopping to kiss me and grabbing at my tits, as he should I told him. We gave the security cameras a great show. On one aisle he actually lifted my skirt up from behind and started working his fingers under my panties, which were drenched....
That was all it took and suddenly we knew we had to get home before we mauled each other in public....

2005-07-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sugar and spice and everything's so nice...

I was tired, but horny last night. Matthew was at a meeting and not due home until after 9:30 PM. I had been at a meeting myself until 8:30. I rushed home, got cleaned up and put on one of my little terry cloth dresses that Matthew loves soo much. I poured a glass of red wine and laid back waiting for him.
He came in with a big shit assed grin on his face, he knew he was getting some ass. He jumped in the shower and poured himself a glass of merlot and climbed into bed next to me. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Waiting 4 days is strange for us....and we took it out on each other over and over again. We both passed out in a sweaty, sex funky heap on the bed...neither of us waking until morning. That's just how I like it!

2005-07-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

Off kilter

Feeling a bit out of sorts - this whole week has been filled to the breaking point with work, football practice and home stuff...so much so that Matthew and I haven't had sex in 4 days. That may not seem odd to most people, but for us that's way off course. We're at least one a day type people no matter how tired we've been in the past. It's been so bad we actually fell asleep while messing around on the couch. My hand on his hard dick, his finger rubbing on my clit. I certainly hope that isn't a new pattern....wait, who am I kidding? Of course it isn't, it can't be. We're both freaks, sexual deviants, pervs...that drought will end tonight.

Last night I woke up at 2 am, the tele was still on, but the room was dark. Matthew was lying naked on top of the covers. I reached over and rubbed his leg to see if I'd get a response. Nothing. I dragged my nails lightly iver his skin...nothing but I did see his dick flinch a bit. I thought I had him, so I dragged my nails a bit firmer... this time I got snoring.

Looking forward to a weekend filled with nothing....we have no plans this weekend and I am so excited. I just want to sleep, lounge and relax. We do need to put together the gazebo we just bought for the backyard....it's a temporary shade cover that is necessary given the 100 degree heat. It's just like living in Arizona, I know since I went to college there, but thank goodness we have air conditioning.

Matthew mentioned trying to get away for our one year anniversary weekend in August. I told him I thought that was an excellent idea! I normally take care of the planning of things but since he brought it up I think I'll let him take the reins. He mentioned Mission Beach in San Diego, which is where we honeymooned...that would be heavenly!

2005-07-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Talk...

The talk went as well as can be expected with Matthew. We met for drinks and dinner at a cozy, relaxing restaurant. He was tense at first, because he knew I was angry at him and that we needed to talk. After some random chit chat about our days I asked him if he was ready to talk. He immediately stiffened up and looked away from me.
I laughed softly and jokingly grabbed his shoulder, "why do you do that?"
"Do what?" he replied.
"Get all stiff and stand off-ish when it's time to talk. I don't attack you, do I? Do you feel like I attack you when we talk?"
He shook his head with a negative response but his eyes still wouldn't meet mine.
"Everything is fine I just need to talk to you about a few things," and I went into my speech to him. I didn't get the chance to discuss everything I wanted, just brushed on 40 topics.....(hahaha just kidding) I just brought up 2 things and asked for his help, and he agreed. I think that was as much as I could get so I went back to happy topics.
He seemed relieved when I did this, we immediately went back to our relaxed banter and enjoyed dinner.

It's difficult always having to be in the middle of Sean and Matthew. I just have to come to terms with that and manage everyone and everything the best I can.

Matthew turned around and surprised me with movie passes and took me to our first movie. Movies are something we both enjoy but seem to only have time to watch at home. Making the time, purchasing the tickets in advance was a first for him, for us. I am usually the one who takes charge with that. I thanked him properly by giving him a good, loud and nasty show once we got home. Highly enjoyable with no kids around. He is always amazed at how wild I get and I love how that spurns him on.

2005-07-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

I just typed a super long post and the gremlins in my computer jumped up and snatched it. Bitches!

I came to an epiphany of sorts over the course of this past weekend. The sub/dom adventures of Tara and Matthew will have to take place in the bedroom and the bedroom only. I came to a realization that I will probably take issue and have resentment towards a man that tries to take control of me and my life.

Allow me to explain. I have always been fiercely independent. Adjusting to married life has been relatively easy, however as always compromise is key. There were a few issues over the course of the weekend where I should have immediately talked to Matthew, instead I sat back and let it slide. Now it's burning into me and when another situation popped up last night I almost blew my cool.

I am a very mellow, easy going, non-confrontational person by nature and luckily Matthew is as well. We don't really argue, instead we get into a state of passive/aggressive behavior and silence. Then at my prompting we usually talk it out. Now Matthew prefers to speak via e-mail or cell phone, I'm a face to face
kind of girl. I think that any issue that requires a discussion can be done face to face, in a calm, adult manner. I am always the one engaging in this type of behavior because if Matthew had his way every difficult subject would be solved with an e-mail and then would magically disappear.

I initiated the "we need to talk" voicemail to him but as of yet he hasn't replied, which isn't too unusual. He knows what he did last night was wrong, getting him too admit it may be difficult, but that's not the point. He owes some apologies for his behavior, which was cruel and irrational. I cannot sit back and let it continue because it not only affects me it affects both the kids.

Perhaps I am sounding too negative or doomsday-ish. I assure you that is hardly the case and I am quite sure this will be resolved. Perhaps too I am jumping to conclusions about what a sub does and doesn't do. That lifestyle is too foreign to me to grasp right now. We can play the games, around the house, in the
bedroom...but moving this into every day life will be too hard for me to accept.

Wish me luck tonight....this could be hard.

2005-07-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

Fourth Of July....

Getting into the spirit of the Fourth I had my toes done...

I am not really a girlie, girl...ok wait, who am I kidding? I am a girlie girl but designs on my toes and fingernails are kinda strange for me. I like the cleaner look of a french manicure but since I do it all the time I figured I'd add some spice if you will.

Looking forward to a four day weekend. Matthew and I took an extra day off so we could enjoy a long weekend and each other. I swatted his ass the other night with the back of my handbrush when he was acting like a goofball. He laughed and then I saw the spark in his eyes as he playfully grabbed the brush away from me and smacked my ass in return.
I noticed his dick was hard and so I propped myself up on the bathroom counter, and asked him if he had a minute to play.... he laughed because we only had 2 minutes until we had to leave and it's just our style to get horny when we are rushed. He played with me a bit and then I playfully pushed him away and said...drive through version is yummy but I want the full meal later.
He complied...good boy.

Happy Fourth of July Weekend!

2005-06-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! Friday I was on pins and needles waiting to hear about my brother. I finally did and actually talked to him for a few minutes on the phone. He was groggy and heavily medicated and while he was in that state I asked him if he could now get perscriptions for medical marijuana. He laughed and said he'd look into it. His spirits are good and his blood work came back clear.

Matthew and I were home with just Shane, the young one so we were able to enjoy some alone time after he went to bed. I was tired but as usual very horny. I wasn't sure is Matthew was in the mood so I stroked his inner thigh and then let my hand linger on his dick. He made it move in my hand and I complimented his technique. I crouched down on the bed and gave him a long lingering blowjob that was driving him crazy with baby kisses, blowing and the flicking of my tongue just on the head. Apparently it was too much and he reached up and put his hands in my hair, urging me to take more of him in my mouth.
I smiled inwardly at the control I had in that instant and then took as much of him as I could into my mouth. He moaned loudly but kept his fingers in my hair. He doesn't normally do that and it turned me on so much that he felt me dripping on his leg.
I moved up and got on top of him....I almost came immediately as soon as he entered me. He took control with this slow, swaying pace that sent me into a glorious series of orgasms. I collapsed on top of him and again he held my hair and head tighly as he moved his lower half up and down slowly, enjoying the feeling of my pussy tightening and relaxing. I sat up and took control and fucked him good and hard until he came with a loud moan. We collapsed on the bed, in each others arms, just as it should be.
Saturday night we had the house to ourselves and had planned a kinky crazy evening....but after the stress of what my brother and family is going through, the day I had cleaning and his in the yard we ended up falling asleep in the family room and crawling to bed not too long after.
We did make up for it Sunday morning....in a more relaxed kind of way, which was perfect and just what we both needed.
Today we celebrate 10 months of marriage....yes we're silly and celebrate months. In fact Matthew has brought me a rose every month on our anniversary since we married....He is amazing and I adore him.

2005-06-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted because things have become a bit topsy turvey in my world. I found out last night that my baby brother was diagnosed with cancer. He is heading in today to get the cancerous cells removed. The good news is they caught it early and I am hoping and praying that they are able to get it all today.
He's extremely healthy, very active and this is just such a shock. I have gone from being strong to totally breaking down. He is actually in getting final blood work done as I type this. I am trying to be positive, upbeat and strong for him because I know that is what he needs.
I attend a Christian church, but I have pretty unorthodox religious views. I was at one time practicing wicca, and have delved into many different religions because they all fascinate me. I've prayed, I've cried, I've chanted...I put a healing green stone in my pocket and am sending him healing energy and white light. I read passages from the bible....
Sean has been with his dad the past few days and I haven't had a chance to tell him yet. We have a tentative plan to meet for lunch today but I don't know if that will happen or not. James is waiting for his parole officer to come through....so it's all based on that. Sean will be devastated....I was torn if I should have called him last night but I wanted to do it face to face.
Poor Matthew has witnessed my wide range of emotions but he's been wonderful. He even called my parents to talk to them when he heard and tell them he'll be praying for him. He is an amazing man....I'm trying to stay strong and focused...say a prayer for us please.

2005-06-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Been thinking more and more on this dom/sub thing and so many questions and concerns come to mind. Apparently an hour long commute to work gives me way too much time to think.
Of course Matthew and I have already broached the subject somewhat but I haven't taken the time to really explain to him how interested I really am. Since I was a young girl I've had images of being tied up...I always liked to play Wonder Woman and would have my friends tie me up so I could escape, and the magic lasso...makes me shudder. If I had been Wonder Woman I would have used it on myself.
I worry that I will lose too much control. That I will be too defiant. That I will resent him for having too much power over me. That it will take things to new levels that I may enjoy too much. What if I couldn't get off the normal vanilla way after experiencing something so intense....but I want that intensity. What I if I want to be the dominant one? I know that is a turn on to Matthew as well, strong woman, but do I have what it takes? Where can I learn? Where can we learn? How far can this go? Is it along the same lines as a tantric union? If we go to this level how will things change in our normal day to day relationship?
See how crazy my brain can be?

2005-06-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

I joined an audiobook club so that I could get some kind of inspiration on my hour long commute to work. I use to read quite often but find my time is limited now. I signed up for a few spiritually inspirational audio cd's, but then succumbed to my darker side and ordered nothing but erotica. I have these insanely hot images or ideas that I'd like to have the courage to act out, both with my husband and on my own.
One of my oldest sexual fantasies involves being tied up. Sadly, I've never trusted a lover enough in the past to act out on it. I also know that it will take our sexual relationship to a new level and although I know it would be mind blowing, I'm afraid it may make the normal every day sex that we now have seem blah. But I still want to do it...badly.
I also have a fantasy where either I am driving to work or home and for the whole hour I torture myself with a pocket rocket vibrator. I'd love to do this on the way home once when I know the kids will be gone. My pussy will be dripping wet and will need some attention....
Hmmm...no kids Thursday night this week...that plan may have to be put in gear!

2005-06-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Thursday I was feeling a bit low and Matthew wasn't available to talk to. I needed attention, badly, so I made up a fake Yahoo account and signed on. I purposely floated in and out of chat rooms looking to hook someone into a chat. I got one immediately and we proceeded to cyber flirt. It started to go too far so I signed off, begging forgiveness....
It was fun. I liked it. I should be ashamed.

I was naughty

2005-06-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Matthew started a new game this weekend and I loved it. It actually started as a joke of sorts, he caught me doing something silly or something I shouldn't have and called me a naughty girl. He caught the sudden spark in my eye and we went on to have fantastic sex. During this sexcapade he started saying what a naughty girl I was and how I deserved a spanking, then he slapped my ass good and hard while I was cumming and sent me into overdrive.
As we lay there, sweaty, sex funky he told me that because of my naughty behavior I was going to be on punishment all weekend long. At first I admit to being a bit pissed off, who the fuck was he to put me on restriction? Then I stopped and thought about it, about how turned on I suddenly became...and I smiled devilishly. I turmed to listen to what he had to say.
My punishment - from Friday evening until Sunday at 7:00 Pm I had to wear one of my tiny little terry cloth dresses that show...well everything, fitting me like a second skin. If I wanted to change I had to ask for permission, but only if the situation warranted it. If I asked too early he extended the wear time. I also had to don some heels while walking around the house.
It turned into a weekend of me being his little girl and I fucking loved it. He was so turned on by both my obedience and my defiance that we had sex all over the house, even sneaking in some quickies while the kids were occupied. I managed to get myself into some more trouble and he added time to my punishment...which I loved.
This could be the start of something amazing....I want to be punished again.

2005-06-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm such an idiot. Matthew loves and adores me, just as I do him so I need to make a conscious effort to not be so neurotic. I may sound like a nutcase here, but I assure you on the outside I appear as if I have it all together. I look cool, calm, confident, the 3 "c's"...this is just my verbal hodgepodge page that allows me to type some insanely insecure thoughts.
The bitch of it is, I'm a pretty woman, yet even admitting that makes me feel guilty. I've been told this many times, I get admiring glances, I have a gorgeous husband....but still I find myself in a state of insecure panic at times. It makes little sense, and I hate to even admit to it here. Perhaps it's becasue I feel like I have been blessed with so much, my biggest fear is that it will be taken away from me. Maybe some terrible act of karmic destiny will shatter the world I love and depend on....maybe I should just shut the fuck up.
Our sex life has always been ....amazing. The man knows how to work my body and a normal romp in the bed leaves me with a minimum of 4 very intense orgasms....that's the minimum. Normally the numbers almost double that...I know, I'm blessed. The good news is we both have very strong sexual appetites, I tease him and say that I crave his body like a crack whore....and it's true.
Maybe I have grown so dependent on him that is why I get insecure?

2005-06-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

Neurotic

I know it's wrong, but I still do it. I can't explain why. I know I don't want or need any drama in my life yet still I go searching for it. I looked at his cell phone bill again. Why am I such an untrusting bitch? That's what it makes me feel like. It's like that car wreck or road kill, you know you don't want to see it, that any image you do see will stay with you much longer than you'd like, yet still you find yourself looking.
I didn't find anything but calls to me and his ex, Jenny which I know were about Shane....well actually Shane and the child support issue. Matthew has always paid more than he was asked to. He's a very dedicated father and if he had his way he'd have his son 100% of the time. She has turned into a greedy bitch....and is always calling complaining, saying she needs more.
Did I just steer this post away from my crazy, neurotic, bitchiness? You bet your sweet ass. Funny how I can name call...then again it's my blog right?
So here I sit feeling guilty and shitty for checking up on my wonderful husband. He doesn't deserve that and I hope I can take that into consideration next time I want to look, however; I can convince myself of anything.... I can say that it's self preservation. But then if I actually find something, what would I do? Maybe that's the draw?
Maybe I'm just sick and wrong...

2005-06-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

Bitter, party of one

I work with my dad and my brother. My dad has the title of Vice President/General Manager and our office is in Orange County. Over a year ago my brother moved up to LA and since then has been working out of his home office. He has also been pursuing acting on the side as well as a stint in the fashion industry. A month ago I moved to Riverside and when I brought up the subject of working from home daddy said no way. I negotiated with him and was able to get a "maybe" when I asked if I could work one day a week at home.
My brother has been slacking off here, majorly. I have been helping and covering for him as much as I can. It has added to my already high work load, but I do well under pressure and like to keep busy, so I did it without complaining. I've also had to defend my brother to our customers who claim he doesn't return their calls, or give them the attention they need. Because my brother has been so unreachable my dad has taken to dumping his shit on me too.
Last week I almost reached my boiling point and when my dad accused me of not completing a task he gave me I lost it. The task was one he had given to my brother and since he couldn't get in touch with him he assumed it was my fault. Not only did he not come to me to say anything dad accused me of not doing it to the other employees. I was pissed and confronted him. He backed off a bit, but not much.
This week my dad and my brother flew back to Boston to meet with our parent company. Do I need to say how my duties have tripled since I am handling my desk and both of theirs? It's been crazy but manageable.
Today they had us all in an office for a conference call. During this conference call they announced that my baby brother was being promoted to General Manager. I did the congratulations and told him I was happy for him....but inside I was seething. In fact, in case you couldn't tell, I'm still a bit pissed off. He is younger than me, has a college degree and I have been in the business 7 years longer than he has. The fact is, he has a penis so that means he gets the raise, the promotion and the title.

2005-06-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

You are a Faerie, mischievous and fun
loving. You are friendly, flighty and can
sometimes fickle and you love the company of
others. You probably have many friends and
delight them with your stories and jokes. You
do also have a rebellious side to you though,
and you like to upset the authorities. You just
can't help it - you just love to upset the
apple-cart!

Your good points are that you're
fun, intelligent and a joy to be around - your
bad points are you can be fickle, devious and
sometimes take your tricks too far! In
addition, you can also be unaware of other
people's feelings.

You love to be in the
limelight and believe in living live to the
full - After all, life is short and not meant
to be wasted!

Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-06-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for our weekend away...I've been sending Matthew dirty text messages on his cell phone. I use to send him e-mails but since he works in corporate america that was, well, frowned upon. We're going to a swanky type club Saturday night and while I already, kind of sort of have my outfit picked out, I realized how pale I am this morning. I bought some self tanner and I certainly hope it works, or works correctly and doesn't give me a "she put on self-tanner" look.
I also made the birthday present purchase that Matthew is going to love!

He is so not expecting this and I cannot wait to see the look on his face when he opend it! He's a huge shaq fan and mentioned that one day he'd love to have a jersey, little does he know that one day is right around the corner! I love giving presents! I love getting presents too...and I'll make sure too get mine Saturday in the hotel.
I booked an extra large room, no, not for the orgie we have planned, but because it has a bathtub that overlooks the city. I'll bring the candles, bubbles and other fun bathtubbery stuff...yes I made that word up. Perhaps a bottle of wine? Yes, a nice bottle of merlot...yummy.

2005-06-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

June is just beginning and with that comes new challenges and exciting opportunities. Matthew's birthday is this month and we tend to really celebrate birthdays in our family. Strike that, I tend to celebrate a lot, for him it's a new experience. This weekend we are going to a swanky LA hotel to relax, party and get our freak on. The way our sex has been since last weekend I know we're in for quite a treat Saturday. I get excited just thinking about it, in fact it's hard to work.
I think I may take him down to Venice beach - he's never been if you can believe that - so we can watch some basketball and check out the local vendors.
June is also the month that Sean's father gets out from prison. To give a bit of history James has a drug problem and if you ask him he would tell you he was a dealer. The problem is he cannot stay away from the meth and it has been a huge part of his life. He's been busted from time to time and done stints at county jails for a few months at at time, but this last time he was picked up on a probabtion violation and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Of course this happened when Sean was with him one weekend and I was on my way to San Francisco, but that's another story.
Sean misses his father. He always misses his father and because of this he tends to idolize him. It makes for a difficult situation whenever James gets out. He reforms and does well for about 3 months, then he usually finds himself in trouble again. Right now we have no idea where he will live when he gets out. One of his girlfriends lives up in Northern California right at the Oregon border. I hope like hell he moves up there. The less we have to deal with him the better.
It is also when school ends and since we're moved to a new neighborhood Sean needs to make new friends. I know that can be difficult but he is planning on playing both football and basketball this year so he should be fine. He has a tendency to hermit himself in his room and then complain that there is nothing to do, typical teenager I guess.
Work has been busy and with a few employees out travelling it doubles my load. I'm hoping I don't have to make the annual trek to the Northwest like I did last year. It's interesting for about 1 day and it lasts all week long. Nothing has been scheduled so I think I may be in the clear.
Work is calling now - so I better get to it.

2005-06-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

The three day weekend was just what we needed to get back on track. We spent some time frolicking on the beach, a place that calms both of our nerves, not to mention raises the libido. Watching Matthew run around the beach in his board shorts always manages to get me hot and bothered. I was happy to hear that he also enjoyed seeing me in the new blue bikini. By the time we got home we could barely keep our hands off each other.
We spent the rest of the weekend connecting...when we realized the issues that were coming up were aggravated by the both of us we worked hard to get back to our happy place. He brought me a rose home the day of our 9 month anniversary, just as he has every month anniversary since our wedding day. The man loves me so much yet I still get insecure and question things.
What can I say I am delusional. Thankfully I do my best to squash most of these feelings before they rear their ugly head, but sometimes I fail.
I always felt such a pull between the white and black, good and evil. I always believed that a person needed a good dose of both, but lately or in my older years I am learning that the very same dark side I thought I needed can be a difficult to deal with. I better be careful or I may end up the female version of Darth Vader.

2005-05-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate nine months of wedded bliss. Marred only by some recent tragedies, the sudden death of Matthews favorite grandmother and my stupid insecurities.
I'm still not sure what possessed me to open and review his cell phone bill while he was out of town. It was like I had this out of body experience that took me back to the days with my ex-husband, who cheated relentlessly on me. I felt awful when I did it. Felt even worse when I found her phone number on the bill. 3 calls total, all of them incoming, but they work together, so I told myself not to jump to conclusions.
Stacey is the woman he was seeing before me. An office affair that turned sour, as they usually do. When she found out that he had broken it off with her to be with me she was furious. She got my cell number, work number and my e-mail and proceeded to contact me any way she could. She was evil. It was a hard time, but we got through it. She seemed to have given up until she found out he had proposed to me. Then she kicked it into high gear. Accusing me of getting pregnant - which is funny since I've had my tubes tied - to get him, among other insane theories.
I waited 2 days after his return from the funeral to ask about the phone calls. I asked calmly, without malice if he would tell me why her number was on his bill. He said he didn't recall talking to her but he would look into it. I could tell he was both hurt and pissed that I questioned him, but for my sanity I thought I needed to know.
The next day I received an e-mail from him stating that he had indeed received 3 calls from her and that they were all work related. I felt better, but he felt worse, as if my question threatened the security we had taken so many steps to protect.
Combine that with the overwhelming saddness of losing his grandmother and you'll understand how difficult this week has been. It took us 3 days to finally talk about the whole situation and while it certainly hasn't eliminated any hurt feelings they do feel somewhat diminished.
Today our conversations are flowing a bit easier and we have some fun plans for the upcoming 3 day weekend. I wrote him a letter, an anniversary letter telling him how I feel about him. I thought it would be more personal than a store bought card.